and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
