Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
