Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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