if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
