she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
