R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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