Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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