I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
