i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
