wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
