My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
