I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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