just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
