U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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