I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
