I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
