U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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