God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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