Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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