just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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