If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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