Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
