Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
