So drunk its hurt
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
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