She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
