Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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