I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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