you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
