When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
