Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
