The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
