His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
