I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
