I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
