I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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