I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
