I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
