im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
