Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
