That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Randomize
