I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Randomize
