yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
