I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Randomize
