so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
