Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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