my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
