Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
