I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
