You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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