my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
