Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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